When my mama moved away, i became undone… lost and incomplete…
She was a huge part of my life … a huge part of my voice… how would i move through life without her?
With each new dawn, with each new sunrise lighting the way, i slowly began finding more of myself.
I slowly began cultivating a sense of permission.
It was necessary for me to do so ..
…for the sake of my children… who also needed me to mother them.
…for the little girl in me… who required nurture too.
When I think of mother, the energy of mamma comes to me.
That sense of being held. That sense of being nurtured, cared for…
That sense of being tended to.
Mother is an essence that speaks to the heart.
Mother…. Mamma… they are words that reach into my being. They are words my son first called me by.
And yet…. and yet ….The mother child connection is one that holds both joy and a wearing away of one’s energy too.
When I became an earthly mother to my sons, I soon discovered how much I myself needed tending to.
I used to step away and fill my hands with soil, feeling the richness of mama earth, till my garden looked like a canvas painted with flowers.
spending time in the presence Mother Nature brings a deep serenity to me… a feeling of being held.
When my 17 year old was a newborn, i declared his baby room would now become my art and meditation space. I was allowing room for the longings of my own heart. Being a mama was a part of me but being Rozanne held many other yearnings too. I painted once again, the colours flowing onto my canvas, filling me up with delicious contentment, awe and wonder. I could then turn towards my children and was able to smile kindly at them.
The act of creating… when I chose to create something of beauty … this was when i was giving life to myself…
Whenever i felt lit up, these were the moments my voice would soften … a gentleness would encircle mother and child.
I became tired of being a shouting, frowning mother. These days i try to look ahead and conserve my energy so that it is easier to respond more gracefully. When i am tired, i am less patient. When i am eating unhealthy foods, my patience is low. My adrenalin high. I then don’t feel good about myself, not as a mother, not as a woman. So I ask myself often if my choices are nurturing kindness towards myself.
I was that woman, that mother… that used to hate cooking… I now experience the connection between nourishing food and my mood. Over and over I notice. Everytime I fall off the wagon, as they say, I notice a dip in energy, a rise in temper… even a rise in low depression.
When I have not planned ahead and the day has gotten hold of me in chaotic ways, I try and pause…several times during my day. During the pause i ask the question: What is most important right now?
Each night even when i feel really tired… I am not an evening person at all… i give myself the gift of a clean kitchen for the next morning, especially since I come to this room as i begin my day. But it is not always a perfect job i do. The dishes get done, but it may mean the kitchen floor is swept not washed tonight. It may mean that the laundry can wait another day. The bedlinen changed another time.
I have learnt long ago that perfection diminishes my energy and again affects my mood. These days feeling good and how i was able to respond with kindness, is the way I measure my day.
I teach two precious eight year old girls each afternoon. When they come to greet me, I intuitively observe what they may be requiring from me. It may be that I have to hug them more that day, stroke their hair as they work, soothe them more, give them time to share with me before we begin the homework. School can sometimes be a harsh place for a child. I understand this so well so it is easy for me to comfort and speak to them tenderly. They know they are cherished.
I am trying to talk to myself in the same loving way. It can feel awkward after speaking to myself so critically for so many years. Sometimes all i can gently manage is: “It’s ok… It’s ok.” And always i soften when i do.
When i listen carefully to the needs of my sons, trying to meet them where they are at, i am also holding the little girl in me who did not always feel heard and understood in life.
The early morning is the time of day I get to carefully observe myself too. I get to notice those parts of me that are asking for attention. I will be sharing much more on this.
A mama puts her child to bed early. So that the child can rest. I have come to know that I function my most efficient when I close off my day by 10pm. Sometimes when I am feeling tender inside, I put myself to bed even earlier so that I have space to mend. So that I shut out the noise of the day and hear the wisdom inside of me.
When I cherish the memories and continued presence of my dear grannies and aunts who came before me, even when they have passed on, I am able to easier understand my own mother and understand myself as a mother. I am easier able to hear what the little girl in me is asking for. Compassion for each woman germinates from here.
My own mother is a woman who nourishes her family through food, plants and beauty.
This is how she calls us closer. This is how she gives herself permission to be lit up from inside.
This is how she offers comfort and ease.
When i became a single mama, more than ever, i had to learn to not always need someone on the outside of myself to bring comfort, ease and nurture to me. This i discovered when I found myself waking up each morning as the only adult in the home. I discovered this when my own mother moved away. No longer do I take something as it is today, for granted. I know that change can happen even when I once upon a time, thought it never would. Someone is not always going to be available to me. Someone is not always going to meet my needs. And one day my own dear mama will no longer be.
I am learning to become that nurturer to myself.
The mother child connection is an intimate, intricate one. It does not matter whether we are mothers or not. What I have come to know is that inside of every woman there is a little girl who once was.
She is the younger version of my adult self. It is this younger self that quietly lives inside of me asking to be nurtured. As i look back through my own timeline so many clues have been offered for me by her. She has scattered hints along the path of my life…little reminders of where my joy has been hushed or where i have allowed it to bloom.
I am now a 50 year old woman, walking through life as a woman unearthing who she really is… determined to do so many things differently.
I was a numbed, lost forty old woman who always needed others to give me permission to do something.
I was a thirty year old woman wearing herself out, trying to rescue or fix someone. I believed my happiness was dependant on what someone else was or was not doing.
I was a twenty yr old, who thrived on dancing… since my teens already. Oh my… life was gorgeous, free and fun.
I was a ten yr old, playing happily each day in our family garden, amidst the roses, apple trees and dahlias, revelling in the freedom i so much enjoyed there.
I was a newborn baby whose mama held her for the first time only on day three… much trauma surrounded my birth and I had almost slipped over into the next realm.
Connection is therefore one of my most treasured values.
Feeling safe is precious to me.
Nature is where i feel most free and captivated.
Being expressive is where I feel alive and beautiful.
Mamahood and the essence of mothering has been a beautiful time for me. It has also been a time where I also felt my most clumsy and lost, staggering helplessly at times through life. I continue to learn ways to feel more bountiful as a woman and as a mother.
When i first shared on social media that i was going to write this blog post, i panicked afterwards. I feared i would look like a perfect mom/woman who had it all together. This is so not the truth. I can honestly only share the moments where i tried to be a better mama to my children and to myself… than the day before.
I look back on my life and i ponder the ways my younger self has scattered clues for me. The way she shows me how i did and did not grant permission to myself.
I want my choices to mirror back to me a kindness towards myself.
I observe how a boy as well as a girl thrives when in the presence of the mother essence.
May the mother essence … the feminine energy that it holds… ease our days with gentle, nurturing presence.